I did it! I cycled to barker and back, thank God I survived, 4 or 5 lorries/ buses/ big thingies must have passed me by making my little roadbike shake and bounce. I also caused myself much aching pain with that killer workout I used to do. BUT feel good I do! Thanks to all those chemical reactions happening in my body. Thank God for those or else many of us would give up after the first exercise day.

Tonight I get to play my electric guitar and tomorrow too!

Life is pretty good.

But that might just be those chemical reactions talking. highhhhh

I've learnt today that everyone whines, eventually. That's when I remembered that I wouldn't cause the world more grief by whining too loudly... No matter how I shoot the situation (flank left, suppression fire on right, move in on tango and attack... sorry been playing too much full spectrum warrior :P) there is no reason for me to whine about stuff. Just last night Chang managed to drag out some stress from my super-tight-indestructable shield and he was trying to speak out his opinions without stressing me out. Then when he started to talk a tiny bit about his worries I finally realised that even super men can have problems too.

So today I climb out of my hole again and see how I can best handle my situation.

Well the most obvious one is my gum and throat infection thanks to that last wisdom tooth I was saving up for a rainy day (A rainy MC day anyway), gotta get it out the moment the infection dies off, one week of pain and agony.

Then my medical board is finally up! 7th Oct 2004 is the day I finally confirm whether I'm going to be E9L9 (the next level below that is F, which basically means dead.) or I'm going to be discharged. E9L9 is like winning 5 bucks in the lottery since I'm already Pes E and either way I get to be discharged after 2 and a half years. I really hope I can get my way and be discharged so I can forget about that last operation. If no F then it's back to the operating theatre one more time...

Since my medical board is so close by I don't have to "look" like a Pes E soldier anymore. Being this fat is really affecting my self-confidence, health and walking ability. So I've decided to take up cycling to AC gym everyday at 5 pm for a workout.

I've got to find more things to do besides lazing around at home, after this medical board if I do get discharged I need to go find some work or I'm going to become brain dead. If I don't get discharged I need to at least start doing something which requires more skill then being able to shoot a guy's head off. It's only 5 more months after this, after the MC expires It'll be 4 more months. So either way I'm in the clear of ever having to set one foot into that office again. But still if I don't get discharged I better get my 11B replaced, I feel naked running around without an I.C.

Yesterday while I was just passing the time with a long long game of Gladius, when Alfin asked me to play for prayer and praise for the month of october. What a pleasant surprise, I don't think I've actually played for worship for nearly a month. Thanks God for giving me a chance to play again.

Well the sky is turning dark, another downpour is probably coming.

I just thought of whether I will ever find a church where I can fit in, accept the leadership and enjoy the company. Then I remembered that there is no perfect church and every church will go through trials. I think ahead to when I go back to Perth, will anyone even be sad at my leaving? When I go to Perth will I find a Church which I can be happy in, or will I fall into that trap of worldliness. I'v realised that I want to be in a ministry with my friends, rather than work alone but so far I can't find or I do not yet see a way for me to truely enjoy working in Church and still be happy.

I am alone arn't I? I almost feel for certain that I am doomed to an existence of loneliness... I can only hope that some how things will get better. My selfish mind wonders why I am being allowed to suffer this kind of sadness, I wonder why I can't adapt to this community and become part of it. I feel diseased, like scum that people avoid. Or I feel the stares of people jabbing at my weaknesses and shaking their heads in disgust.

I am so alone. But there is nothing to do but keep on living each day and hoping that there will be something better because I have no control, no control at all. And I am scared that this is my fate forevermore.

Today. I realised why it was so hard to relate to my own friends, the time we missed has set us apart. What Jordan said made perfect sense, his time away and my time away plus the army time where I didn't see them at all... has disconnected us from that reality. While they had conversations which they had shared experiences, they could enjoy it. While the few of us who had not experienced it, we just feel left out. While the fault is neither ours nor theirs, I understand how new comers feel now when they enter a group. They sit in the middle and play with coins... I feel invisible in that community, while I enjoy the company, sitting around doing nothing isn't my idea of fun and I can't see myself just looking around smiling.

Chang and Dan make the effort to ask me out, but I have nothing to do with their lives. It's as though I'm a foreigner visiting. Do I force myself to work in church because that's where my friends are? No I don't think so, I really do enjoy what I've done in the past, even though it has been a lonely crusade, I try not to feel too sad about it. What's done is done.

Sigh God should I even bother thinking so hard about this? What do you want me to do now? No really, what is it? Should I go and help what seems to be lacking in the sunday school or should I just move out and avoid any further truama to myself and add problems to other people's lives.

Justin looked sad today, I wonder if he feels that he is an outsider as well...

Today was a pretty nice day, I spent most of the morning slacking but in the afternoon I went down for cell for about half a second. Chang's dad is a really interesting fellow, always smiling, which is truely a blessing of an ability in this world.

Wow, I've just noticed that I've lost my neck, fatness is setting in badly... argh. After that I met up with the I fellows and watched New Police Story, Jackie Chan still rox0rs. The plot was abit over the top but hey it was exciting and emotional in a silly sort of way.

Then we went to my place and hanged around before meeting up with Keb for dinner, that's when I LEFT MY CAR KEYS inside the club house. But it was found later by a manager who left and locked MY KEYS IN HIS CUPBOARD FORCING ME TO GO HOME AND GET THE SPARE AND COME BACK AGAIN TMW!!!! Roar. Sigh.

It's 12:45, time to game.

I've taken to reading web comics to shorten time as far as possible. After reading Mega Tokyo for over 3 years worth of comics (www.megatokyo.com, it's good!), I ph33r that I have read way too much l33t 5p34K.

I also found a old sketch book with some art which I can't believe I actually drew, I wonder if I can draw like that now, but I don't have much inspiration these days. The scenary of my room is rather bland at that.

Maybe I'll make that comic I wanted to do last time...

And thanks for reading.

If there isn't anyone, then these thoughts are but echos in the darkness of my sad mind.

Well to anyone who still reads, at least you know I'm still alive.

I'm disgusted with the way I am right now.

This kind of life is a perfect hell for me, not being able to use my abilities, talents or skills in any worthwhile pursuit. Being attacked by family members, I wonder if my parents think I'm some stupid kid who disgraced their name by being born. I'd like to show them what I'm capable of, but I can't even motivate myself to go downstairs to eat in this state of mind. I hate my sister for constantly pointing out my weaknesses and physical defects, but she is my sister so I can't stay angry at her forever. Not having any friends to hang out with on week days or weekends, forced to almost beg for company, then forgotten. I'd rather not have friends at all if it's like this. Of course I have friends but they've got their hands full with God's work. I have no idea what God wants me to do, and I can't even bring myself to play for any other service but 8:30, because Adrian's service is just at a bad time... actually I just can't see myself commiting to Adrian's band. 10:30 doesn't need any guitarists and shineforth is just scary to be in.

Ahh that was theraputic to write, I don't think life is going to get much better for another few months, and I'm kinda proud that I managed to pull through these year plus with my sanity intact. No one but God and myself will ever know how hard it was, but everyone has trials so I'm not going to be self centred about it. I just keep thinking about how fun university will be and that gives me abit of a boost now and then, I ask God from time to time to give me something to get me out of this rut, but I'm scared of what he'll ask me to do. I look back now and wonder how many times I've cried during this time. Everyday I lose my fear of death more and more as I think of death as a wonderful escape, I know it's not possible that there is no God, because I've seen him working before, if I go to hell then I'd suffer on. Heaven would be truely wonderful, but if our lives are truely the end of consciousness and spirit, that wouldn't be that bad at all. Reincarnation on earth on the other hand is insane, who would want to have to do this over and over again?

Lower than scum is what I am, what a wonderful way to kill off any shred of dignity, pride or joy of being connected to this world. Is this what you want me to learn God?

Ben rants yet again, better to stay away. Oh who am I joking, this is probably too wordy to read in this tiny font anyway. And how many people actually come here anyway. Need to learn how to switch off this defense reflex.

You know what is sad? I like my room to be quiet but if I leave the music off, the buzzing in my ears is almost deafening... This buzzing only got really bad when my granma died. Who knows why, I'm not going to speculate right now.

So I had a thought provoking conversation with Chang and abit with Dan, their lives are centred around church and sunday school, pretty much all their free time is spent in church. I used to be like that but I don't think I did it with the same ideals as them. I can't sit through hours of prayer, sermons are ok I guess but I can get really bored when I've got things on my mind, is it because I don't have a good relationship with God? Or just my own personality glitch? Is it wrong to not enjoy a church centred life? I don't think I could make it very far if all my friends were only from church. So I wondered why I didn't have more friends to look to for company, I could either say it's not my fault because of the situation I'm in, I'm too scared/lazy/suspicious to make new friends and what happened to all those people I used to hang out with in school? Or was my childhood just a bunch of suppressed memories such that I can't remember how bad it actually was?

Is it paranoia? I don't think I'm that stupid, I know when I'm not wanted. Dang I feel really crappy now. I know I can be a terrible person when I want to and sorry to all those poor people who have gotten the barrel end of that, most of the time I can't help being that way. It's almost a defense reflex. So to defend against that reflex I just shutup and go hide in a corner.

What am I talking about, all these problems only turned up after I came back here to do this stupid army gig. Argh I can't wait to get out of here, I hate being here. At least in Perth I was free to control my own destiny. I know God controls my life but over there I felt so free, now I just feel like I've wasted all these days of my life on this earth, and we all know how short those are... I could die tomorrow and I would feel that I've accomplished nothing worth his time...

This sheltered country hidden in the equator... Singapore our homeland and my personal prison.

And another boring day starts off with my Dad coming back from China with a bag full of new games and DVDs. Most of the movies didn't catch my eye and sad to say that most of the games are rather boring too. Well the gym calls out to me, so today I'm going to try and do that long cycling trip to barker for a work out. Can't stay too long since my bike is without a light, then I guess it's back to dullsville living yet again. I feel abit like the guy from The Terminal except I'm probably more bored.

Well I got my Uni dorm stuff settled and Dan somehow got me out of my house and I followed the lot to Swee Lee for a little adventure. They bought alot of stuff, I wished for a new acoustic guitar. Oh and I'm getting my old electric guitar fixed with them, if I can remember how to get back there... I sent Jac home, then met up with Dan, Yao Zhang and Xiao Hui for a quick dinner at a fast food place called Mc will-kill-you-one-day. Then Xiao hui smashed her bumper of her car. Sigh every driver I know has damaged their father's car one way or the other, myself included. When I become a dad, I'm giving my son a car, a toy one, which he can play with imagining that he's actually driving. I hope she didn't get destroyed by her parents.

Then we jammed, it was quite fun. But really messy, it's more fun when Jordan's ard, he makes it sound nicer and his technique inspires me. Today was kinda slow... ah well at least Dan and Yao Zhang looked like they were having fun.

Another trash can along the side walk.

Invisible to the world around it.

People unburden their waste upon it.

But are disgusted by it's horrid appearance.

And it's purid smell.

A stray dog lies next to the trash can.

Hoping that a scrap of unwanted food might miss it's mark and relieve it's hunger.

It has grown next to this trash can , not knowing how to survive the next day but somehow it always does.

Once the stray dog was a pet, a prize puppy, his master had fed and taken care of him. He was a strong, young and happy pup.

But after a while, it's always the same, as the children grew, they forgot about the dog. From time to time they smiled and patted him, gave it some much needed attention for a dog. But eventually the dog became invisible to it's owners and it grew sad.

One day it decided that it would run away and in the cover of darkness it left. No one noticed for a few days but when they did, they didn't care.

The dog had long since forgotten how many days had past since he left, he laid his head down and closed his eyes, sleep would take away the pain for a while. Maybe tomorrow would be different, maybe tomorrow would never come. Light turned to darkness and the dog passed away.

Just reflecting on this weekend, we went to Mel's place for his last night in Singapore. Had the battle of the centuary on that ol' foos ball table (foos? that table soccer thing), where trash talk was the name of the game. Only guys could enjoy such a retarded pursuit, but man was it fun :D. We had a nice time of guitar playing and praying for one another. I had planned to go for 8:30 service to sit in the sec 1 class but I got insomnia and ended up tossing and turning in a half past dead stuper.
So in the end it was hard enough getting up at 9:45 and I ended up getting high around 3 pm and running out of energy at 5 just before games. The sec 2 girls were studying in church, it's quite amazing how they can study and listen to music while a bunch of boys play guitars and soccer around them and Ben constantly irritating them. I taught Joe some serenating songs, have fun joe. I was trying to teach Jac a more complex method of strumming with the pick but I guess this kinda thing you pick up on your own. There was much whining involved. Oh and Ben Tan was there too, showing us his soccer flair.

For today I woke up at 10 as usual and went for a swim, did some weights and am going to fix up my bike so I can cycle down to the gym around 5-ish. Other than that maybe learn that Heaven song by los lonely boys, fun song that is. The Calling's Two kinda sucks, most of the songs are really dull and repetitive...

I wonder whether staring at the computer and the tv this much is destroying my eye sight. Well can't really think of anything better to do. Oh yeah I forgot all about applying for the hostel of smallness. Better do that tomorrow.

There goes another day... bye bye day nice knowing you.

Dodido doo.... imitation of lifeee for meee imitation of life for youuuuu we can all waste our days away togetherrrrrrrrr

Today I received my package! Yeah a whole bunch of new games to play :D!

Anyway I went down to Dr. Tho's and got myself another MC till the 31th of Oct. Still waiting on that Medical Board which will be whenever the army feels like.

The sad thing is if they don't discharge me I'm going to vote to have that last operation rather than go back to office for the remainder of my army time. So it's time to go under the knife again, the pain again, the can't stand up to go toilet again....

Argh... on the plus side, with this new MC I have alot of time to play my new games yey~

Drawing is hard.

Byebye

Drawing real things is harder than I thought, while drawing cartoons leave alot to be imagined. People and things is all about detail, thus Ben is very weak at it.

Back to doodling.

Anticipation is better than actually having. NOT!!! I'm waiting on a few orders of games that I placed 2 nights ago. I've never been a good waiter-person. C'mon postman! Move your butt!!!

In my brilliance, yesterday I fell and scraped my knee, elbow and finger, that hasn't happen in a long time and trust me memories like that don't fade that easily.
That night I also had nightmares about the army. Great.

Today I finally got down to running off to that ol' medical centre down at Kranji where thank God my Doctor was there and can you beat it? It was his last working day. Anyway they set up the medical board and I'll be going down for that in a month or two. Yes you heard that right ONE MONTH OR TWO!!! Sigh. Just looking around I could see the amount of people fake limping, hiding in the medical centre to avoid work and sleeping on the really uncomfortable plastic chairs. It was a sad place. Looks of unhappiness bore into my soul as they noted my civilian attire and my longish hair. I left as quickly as I could (which was about 2 hours).

I went back down to the unit to see if things were starting to look up for the clerks of APSG. As usual bad things were happening, when I entered the office it was pitch black as the power had just cut for some reason. Through the darkness I found the new clerk who stared blankly into the wall, much like I did when I was working there, poor guy. I talked to a few of my friends and took back the tv that my parents were killing me to take back. I gave them the antenna though.

I can smell the permenant scarring that army has given to me. Argh.

It was so quiet today... I went to the gym and played some video games. I wonder what everyone is doing...

I enjoy making people happy truely I do, sometimes I lapse back to being unfriendly and that makes people unhappy, other times people don't want me around and I accept that, I even accept that some people don't like me, though sometimes I feel like smacking some people down sometimes.

Sometimes I find myself looking for recognition for the things that I've done, some kind of return for the efforts that I've put in. I know that I'm wrong to do such a thing but as each day comes to an end I am still alone in this cold dark room.

I still feel that this is my fate to spend this time in solitary confinement and frankly I've gotten accustomed to it. I've looked and searched but I'm still in this room, so cheers to another 164 days of solitude.

I would say life sucks, but it's so cliche. Life doesn't suck but there has to be more to this period then just this right?

Today was quite fun in a stupid sort of way. As usual I woke up late and did aimless things for a few hours. Then Robbie and I annoyed each other for a while till it was time to go down to upper pierce for a "picnic": Green Tea and some gummies. I guess sitting around on the grass in the hot sun can be quite duh..fun. Clement supposedly launched the only ball around into the lake and they had to go into the jungle to find it coming back with scars. Jacqueline Woo cries in dismay as she discovers she has nothing to do and finds solice in reading a book that she coped from my bag, she sat squinty eyed reading. Teri and Cheryl were stoning, yes STONING! But at least they give me sweets so I shall be nicer to them for a while. Hmm actually not really because they wouldn't help me even when I was tired carrying so many stuff. So we played guitars and stoned for a few hours...

Then I brought Jac back to my place and we had a glorious pool lesson, amazingly she gets some nice shots in but her cue moves like a banana and for a graceful ballerina/dancer her posture for pool is some what closer to what happens when a fish gets caught out of water. Adding on to the fact that she makes the same mistakes over and over and let's out a little yip everytime she misses, Ben suffered in silence for about half a second before whining in pain and anguish and rolling around in horror. She then went home to .... MUG.

At 8:00 I drove off to church to jam. The first abit of improv was really fun, with Jordan around, I find it alot easier to be inspired to play better, such is his talent... Then it went abit haywired as usual, then miracles of all miracles we actually played an arguably performance standard "Here I am to worship" which owned. Owned I say. Xiao Hui was loud, and Yado went home at 9:30 to talk to CHARMAINE CHUA. Yes.

And now I sleep because tomorrow afternoon probably means I have to go down to that horrible camp in kranji to try and get discharged. Please God let me get discharged!!!!

I finally got it. The letter of ~doom~! Some time this week I actually have to go back to Kranji and see the MO who will have that look of suspicion/anger/rage/unbelief saying "DISCHARGE?!". Yes the letter will state that from examinations by the specialist, he recommends that this service man should....be.... FREED!!! WAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA.........ah ha ha.

=D But till that fateful moment... I will have to call up the medical centre and hope that my MO is around, THEN go down there and sit there for mostly the entire afternoon, staring aimlessly at the ceiling, being scrutinized by medics who won't believe that this fella actually has been on MC forever. THEN the MO will ask one million questions, THEN we go for another stupid medical board, THEN I might get discharged, nay, freed. Freed I say!

FREEDoOOoOoMmmmmmMmmmmmMmMmm *ack* coff coff...

I feel like eating a muffin.

"Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. 21But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."

I recall the day that Evan and I were talking about that period of my life where I was sheltered under God's wing and my soul was at peace with the world. The feeling that you had the power to do anything because that connection with God was so strong that worldly emotions and the demonic evils could not touch you. We understood that this time of preperation was for an upcoming trial that I was to undergo.

Everytime I sit down and just enjoy God's word, my spirit falls into that place of bliss as the character of the person God wants me to be emerges from amnesiaic mind of a dormant human being. In the corner of my mind I feel the world tearing at this safe place trying to pull me back into my personal torture.

Everytime I speak about God to my friends, my body trembles. My human nature doubts my calling and how can I blame it because I am not well grounded.

I loved the darkness in a way, as my life fell apart from it's somewhat joyful days in Perth, I dwelled in my unhappiness and focused on short term retreats from reality rather than focusing on God. It's a constant battle to refrain from old habits and the human being generally doesn't like change. The strange thing is I enjoy it when I deny my own character.

Who knows how many times this process will repeat itself as I go through this life.
A hole I fall... jump into everytime I feel unhappy, it's going to take a while to climb back out into a living relationship with God again. I have to cast aside myself if I'm ever going to amount to anything useful for God's purpose. We all know who's there even for the most hopeless of people.

Praise God for he is good.
Here we go.

Guitar playing really puts me at ease, just plucking a tune and pulling off a few melodies is great fun. Without the pressure of technicalities :P

I'd like to sit down and write music but can anything beautiful come out of a mind kept in isolation?

Still enjoying maroon 5... great band :)

Today I woke up to the horrible sounds of a pneumomic drill slamming itself repeatedly on the concrete ground outside my window. It's sooo annoying that for us to construct something beautiful we have to make so much 'orrible 'orrible noise!!! Argh now I have a headache.

Sorry I didn't reply to any messages last night :S

I was just soooo caught up with this uniquely stupid campy silly cartoon game piece of GENIUS that is Viewtiful Joe! It's simply the most brilliant side scroller adventure ever!

Cell was interesting =), it's nice to know that there are no evil people just misguided ones and it only takes a little bit to help people go a long way. I hope that things get better for the sec 2s everyone deserves a break.

Oh thanks Robbie for the cookie stuff it was yummy we ate alot. Today was the first time I saw Claire Tay for a long time and the first thing she did was stick out her tongue at me, so lousy.

I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and play my stupid viewtiful joe!

Remember it's VIEWTIFUL!!!!

Flew many a battle through the airs of nomandy when I woke up this morning. No german or japanese could stop me! Mwhahahahahahahaa......

Going to the gym now, pool, game buying then maybe cell.

Today my days left has hit the almighty 170! den denndenndnennnn~~~

Owwy... just got back from the gym quite the aching. Anyway i was thinking about creating a plot line for a comic/flash thing. It's abit lame but...

I'm thinking of a post war world set in an alternate universe with the global economy in turmoil, loss of social structure and overall destruction of the world caused by terrorism and world war. The story begins after the last major world war with one side firmly taking hold of the world's rule.

The idea for weapons right now is pretty sketchy, I was thinking of lord of the rings style weaponary with nothing extremely effective at long range but I still wanted guns so I'm designing a compromise between the 2.

Cut to the last moments of the war with both sides in a deadlock. Our Hero is the top (havnt figured out what to call this type of character.) in the country and is considered a mass murderer who kills without emotion. He has joined the side of the restorians who want to make the world the way it was, united nations under democracy. The other believes that the united nations just wants to take over the world and oppress the lesser people and are trying to create a world where everyone is equal.(Some thing like communism.)

Our "hero" sits in a trench with his Mentor/ Squad leader and teammates, they talk about what they're going to do after the war. After the final briefing, our "Hero" joins the final charge against the enemy in a desperate attempt to win. He sees the opposing force's leader and pushes through with great skill and daring with his eyes dead set on his goal. That's when a mighty sound is heard... the entire battlefield looks upwards as streaks of black fly across the sky tearing up the clouds as they go by. Bombs fall and the soldiers knew that they had been cannon fodder to get the terror cell to come out of hiding. Resigned to their fate... a deafening echo is heard as the bombs explode...

The dust settles and our "hero" stands up surprised that he's still alive, he looks across the field of destruction and he's stunned. Suddenly he's attacked from behind, the enemy leader stands before him and they have their final battle. Hero wins and his squad leader whispers to him, he drops his weapons and walks off into the distance.

So as the world struggles to rebuild itself, a mysterious young man wanders into the biggest city of the new world searching for new purpose in life.

Heh well that's the intro to the plot, I'm thinking that this fellow will be around the end of his teenage years and he will be in school and since he started life as a soldier, the fun bit will be how he relates to his peers because he's got no social skills and is quite blur. Then there's still the threat of terrorism looming as well as the "G-men" and authority figures who will try to use our hero to their advantage.

It's still quite sketchy as of now but I think it'll be quite fun to write :D

Man Ninja Gaiden is hard!

Today I watched the 2nd Kenshin OVA it was so sad! For those of you who watched Samurai X/ Rounin Kenshin, I won't spoil it for you in case you havn't seen it.

To think it would take a cartoon to get me thinking again. I've been trying to get some ideas for scripts that I might use if I make it through film school. I feel that stories like the one done in Kenshin (Which is a cartoon!!! Wow!), are the most interesting(I wish there was more character development though...), because it shows humanity in the characters and allows viewers and readers to relate to their problems and emotions. The best stories allow you to feel what the character is going through at that point of time and takes the strongest emotions leaving a lasting impression on the reader's soul. I hope that while I learn how to create the art of shooting a film, I won't forget the art of story telling.

Hardship, suffering, sorrow, regret, fear. The horrors of human life overcomed by hope, love, devotion and courage. Those are the stories I will tell, stories which will inspire the reader and myself.